He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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