theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
