Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
