I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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