I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
