my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
