I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
