college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
