Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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