I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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