Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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