yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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