Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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