They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize