I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
