also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
