Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
