Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
