Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize