i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
