The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so let's talk penis.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
