come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
