I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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