I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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