I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she told me i tasted like america
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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