i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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