Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
