I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
