No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
