She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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