you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
