I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
