Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
