I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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