I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
