All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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