Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
