Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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