oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
