david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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