i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
