omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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