Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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