I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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