Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize