as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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