apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize