He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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