he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
