I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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