sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
