There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize