Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
