Capitaan dildo arrescate!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
