she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
