So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
