I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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