Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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