Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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