so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
