Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
