Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
