Barsexuality is the new black.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize